I realized I never wrote anything about the cholestasis, and I thought I should.
I am happy to report that it went away within the time it took for my epidural to wear off. I actually hadn't noticed. I guess I was in a hormonal and exhausted state of mind and body. So much so, that I didn't notice that this thing that had afflicted me for seven weeks was gone.
It tortured me. It laughed at me when I was sobbing on the edge of my bed for hours a night for weeks on end. It heckled me when I took my medicine for it every morning, knowing nothing would help. It made me self-conscious and afraid to leave my home, for fear that it would start. And then not stop.
It took seven long weeks from me. Seven weeks of sleep. Seven weeks of enjoying my pregnancy. Seven weeks of peace of mind. It took seven weeks of safe driving and the ability to maintain focus on a conversation or TV show. It took seven weeks of enjoying movies, bubble baths, dining out. Seven weeks of enjoying my life.
I have scars- both physical and emotional.
I scratched my skin until I bled. I have scars from scratching all over my body, from my feet to my legs, to my hands, arms, and shoulders. I have a scar shaped like a long line on my stomach from where I used my engagement ring to scratch out of total desperation.
I feel no joy or relaxation from getting my back scratched. I feel afraid when I have an itch- I'm afraid that the itch will grow, that it will not stop.
I am very seriously traumatized from the cholestasis. I am so, so, so thankful it went away, but I am nowhere near past it yet.
And part of me feels like I'm being dramatic. Sure, I was itchy for a few weeks, but I got a sweet baby boy out of it, right?
But I feel like seven weeks of emotional breakdowns- sobbing in the shower, while driving, while eating, while trying to sleep- warrants a little drama. Seven weeks of literally outright begging my OB to let me just have this baby to make it stop. Actually, I only begged for four weeks. I guess I kind of gave up for the last three. I knew the OB wasn't going to help me. I knew I was stuck in this constant state of breakdowns until either 37 Weeks or Little Man showed signs of distress. And I knew there was nothing I could do or say or plead that would change it.
It's been fourteen-and-a-half weeks since Baby Boy was born; twenty-one weeks since I was diagnosed with cholestasis; twenty-two weeks since I first felt the effects.
But I'm still terrified every time I get the smallest itch.
Don't feel like you're being overly dramatic. When I was pregnant, I had hives for two whole weeks -- not seven -- and i thought i was going to lose my mind!! Not being able to sleep takes its toll after only a couple days. Thankfully, I was able to get some relief here and there with benedryl (though I was scared to use it often). You definitely went through something awful that -- unless you've gone through it too -- you couldn't possibly appreciate.
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