I Have Scars

I realized I never wrote anything about the cholestasis, and I thought I should.

I am happy to report that it went away within the time it took for my epidural to wear off. I actually hadn't noticed. I guess I was in a hormonal and exhausted state of mind and body. So much so, that I didn't notice that this thing that had afflicted me for seven weeks was gone.

It tortured me. It laughed at me when I was sobbing on the edge of my bed for hours a night for weeks on end. It heckled me when I took my medicine for it every morning, knowing nothing would help. It made me self-conscious and afraid to leave my home, for fear that it would start. And then not stop.

It took seven long weeks from me. Seven weeks of sleep. Seven weeks of enjoying my pregnancy. Seven weeks of peace of mind. It took seven weeks of safe driving and the ability to maintain focus on a conversation or TV show. It took seven weeks of enjoying movies, bubble baths, dining out. Seven weeks of enjoying my life.

I have scars- both physical and emotional.

I scratched my skin until I bled. I have scars from scratching all over my body, from my feet to my legs, to my hands, arms, and shoulders. I have a scar shaped like a long line on my stomach from where I used my engagement ring to scratch out of total desperation.

I feel no joy or relaxation from getting my back scratched. I feel afraid when I have an itch- I'm afraid that the itch will grow, that it will not stop.

I am very seriously traumatized from the cholestasis. I am so, so, so thankful it went away, but I am nowhere near past it yet.

And part of me feels like I'm being dramatic. Sure, I was itchy for a few weeks, but I got a sweet baby boy out of it, right?

But I feel like seven weeks of emotional breakdowns- sobbing in the shower, while driving, while eating, while trying to sleep- warrants a little drama. Seven weeks of literally outright begging my OB to let me just have this baby to make it stop. Actually, I only begged for four weeks. I guess I kind of gave up for the last three. I knew the OB wasn't going to help me. I knew I was stuck in this constant state of breakdowns until either 37 Weeks or Little Man showed signs of distress. And I knew there was nothing I could do or say or plead that would change it.

It's been fourteen-and-a-half weeks since Baby Boy was born; twenty-one weeks since I was diagnosed with cholestasis; twenty-two weeks since I first felt the effects.

But I'm still terrified every time I get the smallest itch.

September 6, 2012

For someone who's historically been so good with dates, I totally flubbed up on one recently.

This past Sunday, September 6, was the third anniversary of us closing on our house.

April 28, 2012

So many parts of our lives have changed in the time we've been in this home.

June 9, 2012

We've seen both of Hubs' brothers and my sister get married.

July 1, 2012

We've become an aunt and uncle, respectively.

August 9, 2012

We've traveled to Chicago for concerts and visiting with friends, 

August 16, 2012

to south Florida for Christmas with my family, 

August 19, 2012

to Destin for fun beach trips with great friends,

August 26, 2012

to Hawaii with hubs' family,

First wedding anniversary, September 10, 2012

and to Italy, Greece, and Turkey on a Disney cruise

Cutting down my first real Christmas tree, December1, 2012

so we could start the next chapter of our lives:

Snow, February 2014

We became parents to the most wonderful little ball of screams and giggles, our tiny miracle.