Tonight, while minding my own business, my coworker on console with me, turns to me and says, "Are you going to have another baby any time soon?"
This from the same woman who consistently compares her nine cats to my one child. She compares her cats' raw chicken food mixture to my son's fully cooked and well-thought out prepared meals. She compares her cats' purring to my son's laughter. But, she's let me know, her cats win for two reasons. First, her cats snuggle in hers and her boyfriend's bed, all night, in the nooks and crannies of their legs, and in between pillows. Second, because her cats are trained to use a litter box, whereas my son poops "where ever."
Well, for some reason she's interested in the status of my uterus. (Spoiler alert: it's empty- void of life.)
I sort of ignored her question at first. Was she trying to find a way to bring up her cats? (She's never needed an "in" before; just last night she spent almost 4 of our 7 hours together showing me pictures and videos of her cats.) Then I wondered if she was actually interested in whether or not Hubs and I were considering another child.
If I told her a simple "yes" or "no," would that be enough? Would she dig deeper? Would she just skim by the whole thing altogether?
Do I tell her the backstory to why we really don't know what we want to do?
She was hired on while on I was on maternity leave last year, so she doesn't know much, if anything, about the issues we faced throughout my pregnancy with Tiny Human.
She went to the restroom and I used that time to really decide what I'd tell her:
We don't know. After so much (emotional) pain and worry and complication and frustration, we don't know. We don't know if we want to make another baby. We don't know if the hyperemesis would come back. We don't know if the cholestasis would come back. I don't know if I'm ready - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually - to put up with it all again if they come back. But am I ready to never feel a baby kicking my bladder again?
Am I ready to not have this again?
If it was up to Hubs, we wouldn't have another baby. He's said time and time again, that it hurt him so much to watch me endure so much - so much sickness, so much depression, so much pain and worry and anxiety - and knowing there was nothing he could do made it worse for him.
He didn't mean it in a selfish way (as my coworker implied). He wasn't trying to play the victim when I'm clearly the runner-up in the situation. He was giving his rationale to another option: adoption.
There are so many babies in the world who are born to families who can't or don't want to raise them. So many babies who are born into terrible situations, or having addictions, or lacking the medical interventions they need.
We could save one of those babies.
We could complete our family with a baby who needs us, or we could make a baby and complete our family that way. At this time we don't know what we'll do, and we aren't in any particular rush to figure it out. We're just trying to get through one day at a time with the baby we do have.
The sweet and opinionated one-year-and-three-day-old who lives with us currently takes up a fair amount of our time, energy, and hearts. Right now, our family is complete. We're not longing for another baby at this time. We aren't wishing something was different. We're too busy for that - chasing after Tiny Human while he crawls, walks (with assistance), and explores our home.
Maybe one day he won't react this way to cake.
He's the one who makes our house a home, he completed our family for the time being, and we are content with our lives.
Plus, more cake for me.
